Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Rodents in the House #notinmylife


Sort of an ominous start to a post, isn't it? Well, yes, it is, but this is my life.

The life wherein since I've had kids I'm perpetually adding one more thing to that laughable list of "Things I'll Never Do."

Somewhere on that list is this.

My children will never be allowed to have caged animals.

It all started with Zoe Bug's science teacher, Mrs. Odell. You see, Mrs. Odell, evil educator that she is, taught my child how to make a Power Point.

That's right, she taught my Zoe Bug a marketable skill.

Tomorrow we home school.

Seriously though, Zoe Bug learned how to make Power Points, and now she thinks she's all that. Not only does she think she's all that, but she's using her new found skill to persuade her parents to do things they said they would never do.

Banding together with her sister, she and Stinkerbell created this most persuasive, and very well researched collection of gerbil factoids combined with a subversive plea to allow them to bring a pooping, caged rodent into my house.

My house.

And where is my backbone, you ask?

At the hospital with the placentas.

Excuse me, but I'm slightly distracted here. I'm curious to hear what a raspy breathing gerbil sounds like.

Are we talking Darth Vader sounding or harmonica sounding?

And correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think the cage needs to be cleaned every day. That's another one of those gifts I received upon having kids.

Dog Nose.

Ha! These kids know who their audience is. Appealing to our desire for no poop.

And what are they talking about "you can just feed them veggies out of our fridge?" We don't eat veggies. On purpose.

I love the reference to the grumpy morning person. I tell you what, it's not me.

They're going to "cross that bridge when we come to it?" I'm laughing here.

This whole Gerbil conversation started around Christmas, and Peanut Head and I have been against it from the beginning.

Hence the placating Power Point appealing to our inner nerds.

Admittedly, we did think it was cute. Peanut Head even went so far as to teach the girls how to make an Excel spreadsheet to outline the costs down to the last cent.

As a hypothetical projection, of course.

These slides were created for the Addendum Power Point based on the Excel spreadsheet with the itemized list and cost projections.

Upon seeing the cold hard truth, I was hopeful that my children would not be able to exert the discipline required to save such a large sum. Mostly.

Part of me was a little excited to see them care so much about something that they were inspired to plan and save their money instead of spend it on the equivalent of endless amounts of Happy Meal toys.

Parents loathe Happy Meal toys.

Oh dear. I can't let this one go without talking about it.

First, fish. Have we talked about the fish?

Probably not, but that was something else on the list.

We will never have fish because fish swim in their own poop.

I excel at failure, I'm just going to put that out there right now.

And the fish, the fish. Zoe Bug could not keep a fish alive to save her life.

We had so many fish die in this house, I could have opened up a seafood restaurant.

So many fish that I was inspired to tweet poetry.

Fish die, and kids cry
And parents ask "Why?"
Wouldn't you die, if you swam in
Your own poop, like it was soup?

An inspired poem.

By the way, Zoe Bug did not think it was funny.

For that matter, she does not think I am funny. At all. Ever.

And that reference to helping out with the vet bills? Ha.

Meet our veterinarian, Dr. Lucinda Gooseberry. She specializes in rodents.

This one's my favorite. I shall be checking all of these links and if I find that you have plagiarized this Power Point in part or in whole, there will be NO GERBILS!

There will be NO GERBILS!

Ahem. Yeah. So you can see where this is going, right?

Stinkerbell turned eleven yesterday, and the scheming little monster disbursed her tentacles of technology to appeal to our relatives to send her Petsmart and Petco gift cards for her birthday.

And they did.

And so we went here.

Armed with the Master Plan.

And bought lots of stuff, not having to spend as much of their own cash as they had planned, but still enough for them to really feel it.

However, it did not deter them from marching on to the second place that is the Keeper of Gerbils.

And food. For the Gerbils, not the Gerbils as food.

Although maybe because our vet.

The setting up was great fun.

Um, this. Really?

Somehow I can't quite picture it.

This tank has been arranged and rearranged countless times for their comfort.

They settled in right away.

And they were named. Lightning and Kat.

Irony lives.

Our Veterinarian was kind enough to welcome the rodents to their new home.

And her lovely assistant, Nurse Gunny Bun-Bun.

She is ever hopeful that they will fall ill and require her assistance.

Come to me, My Pretties.

So yeah, rodents. What's next?


  1. Couldn't stop laughing. Hopefully the girls won't have to employ Lucinda Gooseberry's services.

    1. Oh, but Lucinda would very much like to accommodate them. :)

  2. I love this! Have you thought of writing books? You'd be soooooooo rich! Hollywood would probably even make movies.

    1. Aw, thanks, Kim. The thought of it sort of terrifies me and excites me at the same time. I know it's cliche, but what would I write about?

  3. OMG they are actually pretty cute. I hope that things go well with them! 4 years ago my kids bought a hermit crab. Guess whose bathroom it now lives in and who cares for it? I'm pretty sure your kids will be responsible about this. It looks like they put a whole lot of thought and effort into it.

    1. So far, so good. They are "training" them right now. They seem to be pretty into it.