Kimikaze and the Abundance of Marshmallows

It was a day like any other at school. In the half hour before school started I was in and out of my classroom several times in preparation for the day. Upon returning to my classroom one of those times, I found this on my desk.

It's not easy to make out what lies in that murky water, but I will tell you they are fish. Whole, dead, stinky fish. Creepy eyes included. And someone was nice enough to lovingly write "You Stink!" on the lid.

Immediately I suspected Kimikaze, the most evil of our science teachers, so I marched down to her room to confront her about the fish.

"What's the big idea leaving the stinky fish on my desk, Sister?" I interrogated her.

"What? I don't know what you're talking about, but I wish it were me," she smiled sheepishly.

She's such a lying lier. I don't trust her one little bit.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, and right now I'm scared that you can lie so convincingly. You must be a sociopath!" I accused her.

"No. It wasn't me," she innocently declared.

"Humph," I exhaled and marched out.

After interrogating a few students that were hanging out in my classroom when the fish was planted, I had the name of the accomplice that delivered the fish. I was sure Kimikaze had put the student up to it. In middle school, the kids are generally very happy to get involved with trickery.

I set out in search of the accomplice in the halls and was able to extract a confession with some dirty tricks of my own. I cornered the suspected student and immediately he threw his hands up in the air, as if to proclaim his innocence, and he swore it wasn't him. I told him to knock off the act, I had him on camera. That caught him off guard and then he became flustered and started apologizing.

I didn't really have him on camera, but he didn't know that. Sometimes I lie.

Anyway, long story short, he sang like a canary and it was on with Kimikaze and I. This was in January, and we spent the rest of the school year pranking each other.

I went home that night and started a secret Pinterest board for all the tricks I was going to play on that little rat fink.

I began my semester of epic revenge with the following gift.

I prepared a jar of candy for Kimikaze that had a core of Skittles surrounded by M&M's. While Skittles and M&M's are yummy, it's disturbing when you eat an M&M and find out it's really a Skittle or the other way around.

After that, Kimikaze snuck into my room and turned all the student desks to face the back of the room. And since she had other evil science teachers assist her with that trick, they were then subject to my revenge.

Much to their surprise.

Mrs. Odell is deathly afraid of spiders, so this is what I did for her. Just in case you can't read the writing, it says "If you set it free, be ready to kill it. Just saying."

And let me just ask, what kind of science teacher is afraid of spiders? I think there must be a rule against that or something.

Kimikaze had to come and retrieve the spider set-up. There wasn't really a spider, but the students warned them to "make sure to look inside the cup in case it was hiding." Bless them.

I also planted plastic spiders strategically throughout the room and she would find them periodically and give herself little mini heart attacks.

At one point this little Pheasant showed up in my room. He's not creepy at all which means that this totally backfired on the evil science teachers because I really dig him. In fact, I named him Phil the Pheasant on account of he has a face that makes you just want to unload all your problems. He was a pretty good listener during his brief stay with me, but I had to give him back because he was starting to make me itch.

I think he had fleas.

I also planted a remote control fart machine in Kimikaze's room, but she wasn't phased a bit. A few of her students were probably embarrassed when she gave them the hairy eyeball for farting so excellently though.

I also planted a noisemaker in Mr. Walsh's room that was supposed to provide chirping cricket sounds and drive him over the edge. However, in my panic of setting it up, I accidentally moved the switch to the cell phone on vibrate noise. According to my spies, he asked his students several times to turn off their cell phone before they alerted him to the fact that it was him.

I had adhesive dotted the device underneath his desk.

Ten minutes into the period my door opened and he just gave me the hairy eyeball and adhesive dotted it to the inside of my door.

I guess he wasn't impressed.

 

He left me these freeze dried science ickies. The one on the left is a bat, and the one of the right is Toothless the Dragon.

This was my attempt at making a glitter bomb. I made one for Kimikaze and one for Mrs. Odell.

Sadly, neither one of them fell for it.

I was forced to resort to ordering the spring loaded glitter bomb online. It cost me twenty-five big ones and it was worth every penny.

Kimikaze didn't want to break a nail trying to open it so she used her mouth.

Yes she did.

Glitter bomb delivered straight to the face and right down the cleavage. High five!

Her husband thanked me for the gift.

Even though the other science teachers were brought into our little war, they also proved to be most helpful in providing me with assistance at times.

Somewhere along the way I was provided with the knowledge that Kimikaze was deathly afraid of snakes.

Again, what kind of science teacher is afraid of snakes?!

I don't know where they are finding these science teachers, but I believe we are faced with an educational crisis here.

Anyway, Kimi was so on edge about the possibility of me planting a snake in her classroom, that she was freaking herself out with the anticipation.

No lie. She was walking into school one day and she saw a dirty shoe lace on the ground and jumped back because she thought it was a snake that I planted for her.

A shoe lace.

And she gave me a tongue lashing for it too. I told her that I did not plant the shoe lace snake for her, but I was ecstatic that she was scaring herself and saving me the extra trouble.

Since that went over so well, I did plant a rubber snake in her science supply room and it disappeared. It was very Twilight Zone, but she never found it.

Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll find it this next year and it can be the gift that keeps on giving.

Kimikaze has a Diet Coke habit so I bought this just for her.

. . . and I spiked it with an old packet of soy sauce and an old packet of hot sauce that I found deep in the back of my desk drawer. Those things don't have expiration dates on them, do they?

Anyway, the last week of school I got it smuggled into her refrigerator stash of sodas and because I must be the luckiest person on Earth, she popped that puppy open on day one.

Mrs. Morgan shared with me how it all played out. Kimikaze cracked it open and took a swig and immediately knew something was wrong. It didn't taste right and it had little floaties in it. She dang near threw up, so maybe this trick was going a little too far.

What the heck, high five anyway!

After that I'm pretty sure I deserved to have my car keyed or something, but that would be pretty pointless because I drive a minivan. I'd be all "So? It can't really get any worse that what it is already. Ha. Ha. Good one?"

Kimi did have plans for me, and she got me good, although not without a little backfiring of her own.

It all played out on the last day of school. Generally I'm at school at least fifteen minutes early every day, but on the last day of school I wasn't feeling it, so I sauntered in ten minutes late. And instead of going straight to my classroom, I stopped by the office to buy a yearbook on account of I wanted to have memories and all.

Little did I know that Kimikaze and the rest of the science meanies had been hiding out in the room across from mine for the last half hour just so they could see my reaction to the havoc they wreaked on my room.

Kimi was having the stress sweats because I didn't show up and she thought maybe I was going to have a sub on the last day. She called the office inquiring where I was and she was basically FUH-reaking out.

So I got a little revenge before having this little mess delivered to me on a platter.

I walked in and was greeted by the creepy life-sized, cardboard Harry Potter. He has been in my room on several occasions since this Prank-A-Palooza started, so it's practically an announcement of mischief at play.

Some ridiculous nonsense message on my board stating how much more I love science than math or whatever. As if.

My whole room toilet papered. Is this where my tax dollars are being spent?

As I'm walking into this mess my phone starts ringing, so I walked over to pick it up.

Oh yes she did.

And that's not all.

Every. Single. Drawer, including my nine filing cabinet drawers, were filled to the brim with every size and type of marshmallow on the planet. Also, my refrigerator and freezer. No space was left unfilled.

All the marshmallows in the world were in my room.

So myself and several students filled every container I had with marshmallows, several times, and delivered them back to Kimikaze.

She gave me a fat lip when she threw a frozen marshmallow at my face. Can you believe that?

These are the pictures that the evil science teachers posted on Facebook implicating themselves.

They think they're so funny.

Okay, they are. They got me pretty good.

Ha ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I like to have the last word though, so that science teacher you see in the back there? That's Mr. Walsh. He's the one that started this whole thing because the fish belong to him.

Naturally, he was also responsible for finishing it. With my help, of course.

He brought the fish back to me for the last hurrah.

I left a little note. Not that it was necessary with the stench.

And I set the fishies free.

I almost hurled even with the rubber gloves. The fish were rubbery.

Good thing I'm not a science teacher.

Kimi laughed and started putting the school of fish away.

Maybe after a little snack.

Or a kiss.

Kimi was a good sport throughout, and we all had so much fun pranking each other. I know I'm forgetting some of our pranks, but these were the highlights.

At our last faculty meeting there was some mention of all the locks being changed so I couldn't get back in to continue the terror.

However, I recently accepted a job as a Math Specialist in our district, which means I'll be in and out of the schools frequently, perhaps even stationed in the same building as Kimikaze, and the terror will continue.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Best. Year. Ever.

Can I get a Woot! Woot! for summer vacation? I'm on it right now.

Woot! Woot!

Sorry, I don't mean to rub it in. I can be mean sometimes.

I just came off of my Best. Year. Ever.

No lie. I had such an amazing class and we had so much fun, that you would think that maybe I didn't want it to end. And even though I'm crazy, I'm not that crazy because I loooooooove me a good summer vacation.

I will miss all of my little monster peeps though. Smooches, monsters!

This little cartoon was given to me by one of my students, Harrison, with a heartfelt request to post it on my blog. Don't worry, I made him get a signed note from his mom that it was okay for me to exploit him on the Internet.

If it makes me famous, I promise to share the profits with Harrison 50/50.

I'm sure that Harrison has been checking my blog daily since school got out, and turning away dejected, because his cartoon wasn't up yet. I can just see his wasted-on-a-boy, long, silky eyelashes fluttering in disappointment.

And I apologize for that, Harrison. I was busy sitting on my couch, drooling and telling myself "I should really get up and put Harrison's comic up."

It's a well-known phenomenon known as the End-of-the-School-Year Crash and Burn. It happens to teachers and college students the world over. Your body goes into shock from the abrupt change of schedule, and you either turn into an unsightly bowl of Jell-O, or you get a burning in your belly that makes you very twitchy and causes you to go on a massive cleaning and clutter purging spree. Last year I did the twitchy thing, this year the Jell-O thing.

I like to mix things up.

Anyway, here's Harrison's cartoon, complete with my unsolicited commentary. I'm sure he'll love that part.

I think this is a little dig at my "No airborne objects" in the classroom rule. I tell the kids on the first day of school that my classroom is a No-Fly Zone and there will be no airborne objects EVER. I then go on to explain that I am Air Traffic Control and they must ask for clearance before take off.

Air Traffic Control always says no.

I became a teacher so I can boss people around.

Don't touch it, you'll be sorry . . .

Consequences . . . stink.

Notice my lack of segmented insect body. I didn't like the results from that plan, so I switched to the Shapeless Skeletor plan. It makes my hair look like it has more body, don't you think?

Watch out, I'm wearing my Angry Eyebrows.

I love winning. It makes me happy.

I know this one is a dig. I'm always harping on the kids to watch their units, because if I ever hear of them crashing a satellite when they are scientists, I will come to their house and have strong words with them.

Americans and their stubborn refusal to embrace the metric system. 

Harrison loves Accelerated Math. I think I'll mail him a little summer math packet. Ugly long division with irrational numbers. 

He'll be so happy.

The Jesse James of Cake Decorating

You know this guy, right? Jesse James of West Coast Choppers. Soon to be ex-husband of Sandra Bullock.

Yeah. Well, I just have one word for you.

Cake. Well, he's not cake, but let me explain.

I probably didn't tell you that Janae roped me into another hobby, right? Cake decorating of all things. You know I needed another hobby, and its accompanying storage cases and never ending paraphernalia-that-I-must-have, like I needed a hole in my head.

Yeah. Oh well. Girl Genius and I took the Wilton Decorating Basics course at Michael's this month, and let me tell you, my buttocks did not need one more challenge. Sheesh.

It was fun though, and I learned a lot. It was one of those experiences where I was shown again and again things that I had been doing wrong  for years. 

For example, I learned that you cannot bake a cake without this stuff. It's Wilton's Cake Release, and it is magic. M-A-G-I-C. I know I throw that word around like butter, but I feel very strongly about this. Trust me here. I would not lead you astray.

Forget everything your Mama ever told you about greasing and flouring your cake pans, everything I ever told you about lining your cake pans with parchment paper, and everything your Daddy's brother's mama ever told you about getting cake out of the pan perfectly. This secret substance is all you need. And you can get it with a 40% off coupon. Whoo hoo!

Really. All you do is squinch some of this stuff into your cake pans and spread it around before adding your cake batter. Then when your cake comes out of the oven, you let it cool for 10 minutes, in the pan and on cooling racks, and you're not going to believe this, but your cake will come out perfectly. As in without any tapping, any running a butter knife around the edges, any special voodoo dances around the kitchen, or any prayers. No. Lie.

This was my first cake which I decorated in class. 

It was delicious.

This was my final project cake. We were supposed to put some writing on it to show that we had mastered the writing technique. Or maybe it was so we could show that we were literate? I don't know. All I know is that I didn't have a special occasion for this cake, I was just going to eat it, and maybe share it, so this endearing message seemed pretty straight forward to me.

Besides, it's like my motto in life, right?

This was Janae's final project cake. I know. She's an overachiever. Everything she does is perfect. Everything. I thought I was anal, then I met her and it was true love. Well, true love as it can only be between BFFs.

Nothing creepy here, Fred. That's Janae's husband. He thinks I'm CUH-razy. And he's right, but whatever.

It was a fun, fun class, and we got to get out and meet new, interesting people. People more interesting than ourselves. On account of we don't get out enough.

Like this person. He is just one of those interesting people we met. He's very colorful, isn't he? 

It just goes to show you that looks can be deceiving. Like you might expect to see this guy on a Harley, wearing leathers and draped with chains, right? The only leap your mind is going to have to make here, is to picture the Wilton Deluxe Cake Decorating kit strapped to his sissy bar.

His name is James. Well, was James. I've renamed him.

He's sort of scary in his cake decorating abilities. He has skillz that he brought with him to class. This is the basics class dang it, and he was decorating circles around us.

For starters his frosting is always the perfect consistency for the purpose for which he intends to use it. It's disgusting. Well, in an I'm-Jealous-of-Him kind of way.

Plus, he's nice and helpful. He lent his perfect consistency buttercream frosting to Janae and I when we were struggling to keep our bags loaded to move on to the next technique.

After he handed over his perfect consistency frosting, I said "You're like the Jesse James of Cake Decorating." 

He gave me a little raised eyebrow.

Then I was having trouble getting my not so perfect consistency frosting to extrude from my bag. If your frosting is too stiff you can add a little water to it.

Or you can ask someone with hot hands to hold it for you. Yep.

"Jesse Cupcake, will you please hold my bag for me?"

And that was it. The name stuck.

Jesse Cupcake is really good at flowers.

After I gave him his new name, my little gift to him, I asked him if he would please wear a tank top to the next class so I could get a proper picture of all his tats.

You know how I like a good juxtaposition.

And I was up front when I told him that a few people that read my blog might see his picture.

He was cool with that.

I think. Well, he wore the tank top, didn't he?

And he didn't swat me away when I was hovering with my camera.

See look. Jesse Cupcake has a sense of humor.

He was a little shy about posing with his cake though.

And he got a little sunburned when we bestowed him with his new shirt.

I just hope he doesn't hold any hard feelings and he still invites me to the opening of his new shoppe, West Coast Cupcakes. What do you say Jesse Cupcake, are we good?