Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Extreme Sport of Lying to My Offspring


Today was the day that the ugly truth came out.

I am the Easter Bunny.

I've been finding plastic eggs all day that the girls missed, and Zoe Bug slipped and asked me where I hid all of them. I said "You mean 'where did the Easter Bunny hide all of them?'"

Then she looked me in the eye and said "Mom, tell the truth. You're the Easter Bunny, aren't you?"

"Why do you say that, Sweetie?" was my reply.

"Because Mom. Last night I came out to check the Easter baskets and they weren't there, and you and Dad were still up." she accusingly replied.

Oopsie.

Really, I'm surprised this conversation hasn't happened sooner. You see, I suck at my job. I Green-Gopher-Guts-Suck at keeping the magic alive.

I started slipping about four years ago when I blew it with the Tooth Fairy. Of course I still maintain that there is a Tooth Fairy, but I never miss an opportunity to tell my kids what a slacker she is. On average it takes her about four nights to get to our house to retrieve a tooth. It's pathetic.

The Easter Bunny is also a more-than-one time loser. It's just that it's so hard to get up at the crack of dawn to hide eggs. I just can't seem to motivate myself.

And of course we cannot forget about Peter-Peter-Pumpkin-Eater, the Magic Christmas Elf. I suck at that too.

Thankfully Peanut Head knows how to keep the magic alive with Santa. We haven't confessed to that one yet, but I think that this house of cards is coming down too.

I'm actually kind of relieved that the whole Easter Bunny secret is out in the open. It was exhausting keeping up with the charade. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my chest.

What?! Is this what truth feels like? Ah. . . . my soul is at peace now.

The conversation that I've really been dreading has come and gone like a blip on a seismometer located on the San Andreas Fault. Yep. We had The Talk. The Birds and the Bees. Your Body is Changing and You Will Soon Be Horrified at the Things that Will Appear and Grow.

It's funny because I always thought that when I had kids I would be very open with them about the human body and how it functions. Ha. Ha. Ha. It turns out that I didn't really want my kids to know about it because I didn't want them to be horrified and grossed out like I was.

It just goes to show you how much I really needed that Instruction Manual that inconveniently did not come home with my babies when I brought them home from the hospital. Someone needs to fix that.

So, I had no immediate plans to bring the topic of the birds and the bees up. At least not before the scheduled Fifth Grade Maturation Film that is offered in our district.

And it turns out that I didn't have to. It all came about by accident one day when we were driving in the car. Zoe asked me about the Alternative High School and the "Bad Kids" that went there. I explained to her that the kids that went there weren't "bad," but they had maybe made some bad choices or didn't have all the opportunities available to them that she has had available to her.

The conversation then turned to how some kids have babies before they are ready for them and then that makes it even harder to graduate from high school, yada yada. Zoe stopped me right there.

"How do they have babies, Mama?" she inquired.

I spewed out my usual tripe about putting the love together to make a baby, but for some reason this time she was not satisfied.

"No. How exactly do you put the love together to make a baby? How did you and Daddy make me?" she interrogated.

Gah! Where is the eject button in this ding dang car? I need out NOW!

After my momentary mental freak out, I took a deep breathe and replied, "Weeeeeell. I can tell you, but I have to warn you that you might be really grossed out by it."

I know, I know. I was leading the witness and all that, but I was preparing myself for the awkward moment.

"Do you really want to know?" I questioned before I took the plunge.

They did want to know. So I mentally cringed and explained the process quickly and concisely, without any distractors. I'm not going to relive it here because it hurts.

And I'm blushing.

And this is a family blog.

When I was finished I braced myself for the awkward moment.

The awkward moment came, but it was immediately diffused by Zoe. "Really?! That's how horses make babies! Did you have to go to the hospital to do it?"

Geesh. If I knew it was going to be that easy I wouldn't have waited so long. I kind of feel like the horses stole my thunder.

9 comments:

  1. tsk, those horses!! how dare they! :)

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  2. LOVE it! I blew the whole tooth fairy thing this year ... think I still have the Easter bunny and Santa under control, though ... perhaps my oldest is onto me, but she hasn't said anything yet.

    Jen
    Runde's Room

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  3. oh. dear. God. I am DREADING this with my boys. So far we have side stepped the whole thing, but my 1st grader is a little to smart for *my* own good and im thinking it might come about FAR sooner than I would like... eek!

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  4. My third grader asked me "what is mating?" in the Zoo parking lot. I think you handled it better than I did. :)

    Cheryl

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  5. Yeah... the Easter Bunny died at our house this year too. A little sad, but kinda relieved. I think Santa is dead too. The real question that lies in the Lego King's brain is... 'If I don't believe, do I still get fun stuff or is it only underwear & socks?'

    As for the 'talk'? Well I got through that by just being clear & concise & using actual 'professional terms'.

    Wait until you have to talk about the difference between certain feminine products. And then you have to talk about exactly how to use them. Aaaaccckkk!!

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  6. HAAA! My girls either still believe...or pretend to. It's gotten to the point that it kind of concerns me a little to tell the truth. My Mom thinks they are just humoring me. :/

    We had the birds and bees talk too...in the car with my daughter behind me. Same type of direct no way out question. I told her, and she said, "You have GOT to be kidding me! That's it, I'm never sitting on Daddy's lap again."

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  7. HAAA! My girls either still believe...or pretend to. It's gotten to the point that it kind of concerns me a little to tell the truth. My Mom thinks they are just humoring me. :/

    We had the birds and bees talk too...in the car with my daughter behind me. Same type of direct no way out question. I told her, and she said, "You have GOT to be kidding me! That's it, I'm never sitting on Daddy's lap again."

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  8. ROTFLMAO My 6 yo old son asked the other day how baby's get into the mommy's tummy. I told him to ask his dad and he replied, "This isn't something dad would know, but I know you will" LOL

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  9. I was 12 when I found out how babies were conceived. I was so grossed out by it that I asked my Mom if any of my 6 brothers and sisters or I were adopted. When she said no, I remember thinking - eww, Mom & Dad did it 7 times!!

    When my son was 7, he marched up to me one day with his hands on his hips and asked me to look him straight in his eyes. He placed his hands on his hips and asked me to tell him the truth about Santa Clause. Before I could react, he also said to tell him the truth about the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny as well. He told me not to lie but to tell the truth. So, I did. He didn't seem at all surprised so I think he either heard from other kids or figured it out himself.

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